Closure

Sometimes life is such a whirlwind.

And sometimes you feel like your standing alone in a dessert with no oasis in sight other than the mirage of tempting water driving you to believe the image of something that was.

I’m writing this post not necessarily to be read but to say how I feel. To speak my mind on feelings left unsaid.

Let me get one thing straight. I’m not innocent. No one in a relationship is.

But I was done. I was done being used. Done being manipulated. Hurt. Fighting. Screaming. Done.

Yes, I’m the one that ended the relationship.

So I got this bracelet about 2 years ago, and it’s been lying in my house for ages. All but with the word on it – Contentment. What is it like to feel content? That has been my journey – leaning to love my own time again; being okay to just be with myself. And trust me, it’s hasn’t always been an easy road. I do miss companionship. I do miss love. I do miss not feeling alone.

But also not at the cost that I have paid over the last couple of years.

I am content.

And yes – I can tell you stories that will horify you about what I’ve endured. But I’m okay. And that is the way I would like to be.

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Dawn

Do you know that feeling when the light starts lifting on a situation.

It’s almost like when the sun is rising again in you life and you start to see things with more perspective and, for the love of you, you can’t understand that you didn’t see things the way they were before. And you start questioning your own judgement – how clouded was my way of thinking? How did I miss all the things that were done to me.

God I was blind so many times in my life.

But the irony of it all, I will probably do it all again. I’m not sorry for a thing that has happened in my life. I has made me the person that I am today. And for that I am not sorry. But I would like to think that I try to learn through every situation that I have experienced in my life.

I do believe that things happen for a reason. The details of what I am going through might be a script of its own later. Details of my supposed mishaps the last 6 years. But I do know that I am ready for the change.

What that will be I will leave to the cosmos.

Long lost love

At least once a day, I sit down and think – ” I should write a book about my life” – not because it might be that interesting read; maybe just because there are all these random things that happen the whole time in my life

So something that you may not know about me – I believe in synchronicity – what you put out in the universe reflects back on your life; life isn’t all planned out but things work out for a reason; happen for a reason; the way we learn and grow.

And I want to believe that life has a bit of a plan. Whom you meet, who you are.

So today something happened in my life again.

I met this guy 10 years ago. And as fate had it it didn’t work out as I was working for a period of time in this country that I didn’t have permanent leave to stay. And still to this day I would joke – If he ever asked me to move there and marry him I probably would.

Ten years down the line we’ve kept in contact where we could but his husband didn’t like me talking to him.

Then (after I’ve officially been single again for 4 months after 6 years of trying to make it work) out of the blue he contacted me to find out how I am.

So we have a Skype date on Thursday. Yes, I still miss him. Synchronicity. I don’t know. But who knows where life will take me.

There is still a lot more I will tell you about this history.

Italy, travelling and life

What is it about travelling that makes you feel whole?

I come from a relatively small town. Large enough to have all the necessities that suburban life would wish to offer you in the major cities, but small enough that most people you meet are somehow interlinked to another person or family that you might know. The dangerous part lying in ensuring that you never say the wrong thing to the wrong person, but close enough that you always manage to make new acquaintances through word of mouth.

Yes, I enjoy this town that I live in.

But the biggest downfall for an ever-searching mind is the tunnel vision that starts setting in after a while – being so close but yet so far from the beauty that life can offer. And many times settling for so much less than what life can offer because you become so set in ways which are familiar.

A cycle which I try to both avoid and break free from when I get in my car, a plane or even sometimes being sucked into a book that makes me feel alive again.

I stepped off the plane in Venice two weeks ago. God forbid I promised myself I would never travel to Venice by myself – who wants to drift along those beautiful canals of Venice on a gondola all by yourself (which after my trip I realised is way over-rated – all those tourists sitting back-to-back on those gondolas paying their 80 euros to miss so many of the sites that the city has to offer on foot).

The beauty of walking through San Marco square might be a sight to behold, but there are many other places in Venice that got me convinced that I will find myself back in the  city without cars. And please prepare yourself for numerous long walks along canals, over bridges and numerous interesting Italians.

Walking through the local markets I got thrilled by the smell of spices in the morning, indulged in local fruit and vegetables and feast my eyes on the culinary expertise of the local vendors selling their produce for the day. It is there that I realised my absolute lack in knowledge of being able to make food the way the Italians do. Where in my small town (not even remote close to an ocean) can I learn how to prepare a feast of oceanic dishes. Here they sell them as if every local artisan.

The one thing I’ve always hated doing, is travelling in groups of tourists. My idea of travelling revolves around wandering about for kilometers on my own, stopping at local shops, bars and exhibitions – talking to the locals and experiencing their drinks and cuisines as the locals will do. Yes, of course you do the necessary stops at the Colosseum and the Vatican city, but it’s in indulging in the home-made Italian pizzeria that is found in some alley way that makes the meal something to enjoy.

I feel fulfilled when seeing that I actually know nothing.

It might even make me a bit depressed coming back to the normal routine of the grind.

But I am already planning the next trip to make sure that I always know that there is more to life than what I am currently living.

 

 

Life, travelling, ideas and everything else

It has been quite some time since I last wrote about how life is going.

Not because I didn’t want to. My life is all about emotion – hey – I’m a Pisces, we live and breath emotion. Feel it. Live it. Sometimes, too much, succumb to it. A living breathing part of your life. Pulling away from the part that actually does not want to feel. The ever-breathing balance between the two worlds that pulls you apart.

And sometimes it can be too much.

But I like it.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like for people that are one dimensional. Being set in ways that do not sometimes tear them apart as the questions of life devour them. What is it to love? Is love even real? I love the people around me? Can I please be alone? Live life right now. Is life an ever-ending journey?

I am on a journey.

Travelling.

God, I love to travel. I need to travel. And many people see it as this privilege that is bestowed upon the people are rich and can afford it. I feel it is a calling. A need. Something that makes you feel whole. A place where I can be myself without being myself. Live in a culture I don’t understand, living my culture they don’t

I haven’t traveled for about 5 years.

For numerous reasons I am not going to discuss tonight.

But I got on a plane 3 weeks ago and realised why I need to see the world. Have drinks with random folk in Florence with queer people. Have a glass of wine in Tuscany with the Americans. Indulge in the different flavours of pizza in Italy. Play random local games with the inhabitants of Germany.

Life.

Live it.

And coming back? Realise that there is so much more to life that just the one-dimensional way of living your solitude life.

I believe – somewhere out there, there is love. Someone to share the crazy experiences with me. I have hope. I do believe.

Only time will tell.

I may be making a difference in people’s life right now, one day somewhere, someone will make a difference in mine.

I am in my element

I have always used the phrase “To be in your element” so easily. Never taking into account the words at play. Sitting here by the ocean this phrase has suddenly gotten new meaning for me.

What is your element?

Earth. Fire. Wind. Water. 

I have never been an over religious person.  Yes, I grew up in a Christian based family, but I could never come to terms with a dogma that is build upon selective acceptance. The values however has become and integral part of my life.

I am a Pisces at heart. 

Just like the ocean is ever flowing, ever changing, so is my heart. so is my personality. Always torn between two worlds. 

Dreams vs reality. Stability vs creativity. The concrete vs the abstract. Life vs death. Absolute happiness vs drowning depression.

There is water in my soul.

I have always opened up my soul and mind more when I’m in the water. In the ocean. Flowing free. Being. And the concept if it has never been quite understood so well until I read the paragraph in “The memoirs of a Geisha”:

“Waiting patients doesn’t suit you. I can see you have a great deal of water in your personality. Water mever waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and find the secret paths no one else has thought about – the tiny hole through the roof is the bottom if a box. There’s no doubt it’s the most versatile of the elements. It can wash away earth; it can put out fire; it can wear a piece of metal down and sweep it away. Even wood, which is its natural compliment, can’t survive without being nurtured by water. And yet, you haven’t drawn on those strengths in living your life, have you?”

I am the water that finds the path but need to be able to flow to find my path.

“Watch for the thing that will show itself to you. Because that thing, when you find it, will become your future.”

As Pisces are said to be the oldest of the Zodiac. the knowledge and spiritual connections will guide you. 

Open yourself up and let the water guide you.

I am alive.

I am in my element.

Alone – but still hopeful

What is it like being alone

I have been single my whole life. And it has never been an issue. And then i went into a relationship. And as I sit here it is not about missing the relationship. It is about missing the companionship.

I have always said – at any point in your life you need two good friends – one male, one female. Because there are some things that you can talk to a woman about and some things that you can talk to a man about. No offense to the other one. And after being in such a long relationship, one starts to wonder if there is still the perfect relationship out there.

Call me a romantic. I want to believe in love. I want to believe that somewhere out there is the perfect guy for me.

I hope he exists