Unexpected weekend journey

Sometimes so many thing happen at the same time in your life that you actually have no idea where to start. These last couple of weeks have been filled with hours of practice, preparing the students at my school for their version of High school musical – but that is a story for a different time.

Tonight I want to write about my weekend.

You know when you are actually so tired, not wanting to see people or actually engage in any physical activity – sleep the weekend away and only wake up for the occasional glass of wine and indulge in everything that society frowns upon? That was me on Friday.

After months of preparation and long evenings leading up to the finale on Thursday night, the musical a success, all I wanted to was to get i to a bed and avoid all human contact, be a hermit for a couple of days. But, of course, my wonderful schedule didn’t allow for it as I, I might add voluntarily at the time, joined a team to do the Warrior race on Saturday. The Toyota Warrior race basically consist out of a trial running obstacle course – 5, 10 or 15km. We decided to do the commando race, the 10km.

So Friday after work I got into my car and took the road trip to Johannesburg where I would be sleeping with one if the team members, together with another member and his wife (who was playing the role of our photographer for the day), also from my little hometown.

With me, dreading this weekend of both things I didn’t want to do, both human contact and physical activity, it became one of the weekend I once again realised that sometimes when you look up to things, the world has a way of surprising you in making it one of the best experiences that you can have. Friends really do make the world a better place, and I learned this weekend again the importance of friends who understand you, and both support you but also knows when you need space.

Following a crazy homemade pizza building experience on Friday night, dinking way too much wine for people running 10km the next day, we made our way to the starting line on Saturday morning. It was wet, muddy and a challenge worth lying ahead of us. But the three of us were each other’s support. Through every obstacle we were encouraging each other, pulling, pushing and making sure as a team we get through what we had to face. Giving me the courage and determination needed to survive. And that is what friends are for – in each obstacle in life, we should be there for each other. And there are so many times that I forget that, that I sometimes fail to do that for the people that mean the most to me.

Saturday, I decided to stay over at two of my best friends in Pretoria. My heart people. Friends but also family that is not bloodrelated. It was the first time in months that we’ve seen each other and we were able to support each other through the many obstacles that we’ve had to face the last couple of days, weeks, months and even this year. We know each other’s families and hearts and understand the impact it has on each other if a family members decide that you’re not good enough. That’s why we have each other. Singing and dancing into the night, drinking the famous Fokof lager at the local pubs. Carrying my one friend who has torn ligaments – that’s what we need, that’s what we need to do – support each other.

Today, after an amazing breakfast with them, I headed back to my little town to get home and I realised – I have great friends. And even though sometimes I feel I just want to get into bed and become that hermit, sometimes all you need is to spend time with the people that support you and also be the support that they need – that males all the difference.

Yes, tonight I have my time for myself. I’ll have my pizza and glass of wine, as has been the religious tradition on a Sunday night, but have had a full and fulfilled weekend with people that I love.

Be the support that you need. Make the memories that will live on.

Being happy alone

My heart races, the excitement starting to build up. Sitting here, at peace. Sometimes my mind wanders too much, but I’ve learned how to quiet it down when thoughts of the past starts to take over and the ever-present shadow of loneliness wants to pull me back into the darkness.

The engines starts running, cabin lights go off and the thrill when we go down the runway. This is what I live for, or rather what gives me meaning to life, seeing and experiencing as much as possible. To travel.

It’s the first flight I’m doing by myself again. Memories do pester me, but it is part of finding myself again in my solo travel adventures.

I always remember the words, almost out of a fortune cookie, ‘You will never be happy with someone until you are happy by yourself ‘ – words to live by. And that has been words I have been focussing on the last couple of months – trying to focus on things that make me happy.

Do I ever want to be in a relationship again? Of course!

But it is absolutely necessary to know exactly who you are and what makes you happy before you indulge yourself in an adventure like that.

Travelling

That has always been the thing that makes me most happy.

Getting on the plane. Listening to a mass in a sacred cathedral in a language you don’t understand. Drinking wine with the locals and sharing a conversation in broken languages. Indulging in local cuisine, unsure if your stomach will be happy tomorrow.

I am happy. I am on my journey. I am growing again

Closure

Sometimes life is such a whirlwind.

And sometimes you feel like your standing alone in a dessert with no oasis in sight other than the mirage of tempting water driving you to believe the image of something that was.

I’m writing this post not necessarily to be read but to say how I feel. To speak my mind on feelings left unsaid.

Let me get one thing straight. I’m not innocent. No one in a relationship is.

But I was done. I was done being used. Done being manipulated. Hurt. Fighting. Screaming. Done.

Yes, I’m the one that ended the relationship.

So I got this bracelet about 2 years ago, and it’s been lying in my house for ages. All but with the word on it – Contentment. What is it like to feel content? That has been my journey – leaning to love my own time again; being okay to just be with myself. And trust me, it’s hasn’t always been an easy road. I do miss companionship. I do miss love. I do miss not feeling alone.

But also not at the cost that I have paid over the last couple of years.

I am content.

And yes – I can tell you stories that will horify you about what I’ve endured. But I’m okay. And that is the way I would like to be.

Dawn

Do you know that feeling when the light starts lifting on a situation.

It’s almost like when the sun is rising again in you life and you start to see things with more perspective and, for the love of you, you can’t understand that you didn’t see things the way they were before. And you start questioning your own judgement – how clouded was my way of thinking? How did I miss all the things that were done to me.

God I was blind so many times in my life.

But the irony of it all, I will probably do it all again. I’m not sorry for a thing that has happened in my life. I has made me the person that I am today. And for that I am not sorry. But I would like to think that I try to learn through every situation that I have experienced in my life.

I do believe that things happen for a reason. The details of what I am going through might be a script of its own later. Details of my supposed mishaps the last 6 years. But I do know that I am ready for the change.

What that will be I will leave to the cosmos.

Long lost love

At least once a day, I sit down and think – ” I should write a book about my life” – not because it might be that interesting read; maybe just because there are all these random things that happen the whole time in my life

So something that you may not know about me – I believe in synchronicity – what you put out in the universe reflects back on your life; life isn’t all planned out but things work out for a reason; happen for a reason; the way we learn and grow.

And I want to believe that life has a bit of a plan. Whom you meet, who you are.

So today something happened in my life again.

I met this guy 10 years ago. And as fate had it it didn’t work out as I was working for a period of time in this country that I didn’t have permanent leave to stay. And still to this day I would joke – If he ever asked me to move there and marry him I probably would.

Ten years down the line we’ve kept in contact where we could but his husband didn’t like me talking to him.

Then (after I’ve officially been single again for 4 months after 6 years of trying to make it work) out of the blue he contacted me to find out how I am.

So we have a Skype date on Thursday. Yes, I still miss him. Synchronicity. I don’t know. But who knows where life will take me.

There is still a lot more I will tell you about this history.

Italy, travelling and life

What is it about travelling that makes you feel whole?

I come from a relatively small town. Large enough to have all the necessities that suburban life would wish to offer you in the major cities, but small enough that most people you meet are somehow interlinked to another person or family that you might know. The dangerous part lying in ensuring that you never say the wrong thing to the wrong person, but close enough that you always manage to make new acquaintances through word of mouth.

Yes, I enjoy this town that I live in.

But the biggest downfall for an ever-searching mind is the tunnel vision that starts setting in after a while – being so close but yet so far from the beauty that life can offer. And many times settling for so much less than what life can offer because you become so set in ways which are familiar.

A cycle which I try to both avoid and break free from when I get in my car, a plane or even sometimes being sucked into a book that makes me feel alive again.

I stepped off the plane in Venice two weeks ago. God forbid I promised myself I would never travel to Venice by myself – who wants to drift along those beautiful canals of Venice on a gondola all by yourself (which after my trip I realised is way over-rated – all those tourists sitting back-to-back on those gondolas paying their 80 euros to miss so many of the sites that the city has to offer on foot).

The beauty of walking through San Marco square might be a sight to behold, but there are many other places in Venice that got me convinced that I will find myself back in the  city without cars. And please prepare yourself for numerous long walks along canals, over bridges and numerous interesting Italians.

Walking through the local markets I got thrilled by the smell of spices in the morning, indulged in local fruit and vegetables and feast my eyes on the culinary expertise of the local vendors selling their produce for the day. It is there that I realised my absolute lack in knowledge of being able to make food the way the Italians do. Where in my small town (not even remote close to an ocean) can I learn how to prepare a feast of oceanic dishes. Here they sell them as if every local artisan.

The one thing I’ve always hated doing, is travelling in groups of tourists. My idea of travelling revolves around wandering about for kilometers on my own, stopping at local shops, bars and exhibitions – talking to the locals and experiencing their drinks and cuisines as the locals will do. Yes, of course you do the necessary stops at the Colosseum and the Vatican city, but it’s in indulging in the home-made Italian pizzeria that is found in some alley way that makes the meal something to enjoy.

I feel fulfilled when seeing that I actually know nothing.

It might even make me a bit depressed coming back to the normal routine of the grind.

But I am already planning the next trip to make sure that I always know that there is more to life than what I am currently living.

 

 

Life, travelling, ideas and everything else

It has been quite some time since I last wrote about how life is going.

Not because I didn’t want to. My life is all about emotion – hey – I’m a Pisces, we live and breath emotion. Feel it. Live it. Sometimes, too much, succumb to it. A living breathing part of your life. Pulling away from the part that actually does not want to feel. The ever-breathing balance between the two worlds that pulls you apart.

And sometimes it can be too much.

But I like it.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like for people that are one dimensional. Being set in ways that do not sometimes tear them apart as the questions of life devour them. What is it to love? Is love even real? I love the people around me? Can I please be alone? Live life right now. Is life an ever-ending journey?

I am on a journey.

Travelling.

God, I love to travel. I need to travel. And many people see it as this privilege that is bestowed upon the people are rich and can afford it. I feel it is a calling. A need. Something that makes you feel whole. A place where I can be myself without being myself. Live in a culture I don’t understand, living my culture they don’t

I haven’t traveled for about 5 years.

For numerous reasons I am not going to discuss tonight.

But I got on a plane 3 weeks ago and realised why I need to see the world. Have drinks with random folk in Florence with queer people. Have a glass of wine in Tuscany with the Americans. Indulge in the different flavours of pizza in Italy. Play random local games with the inhabitants of Germany.

Life.

Live it.

And coming back? Realise that there is so much more to life that just the one-dimensional way of living your solitude life.

I believe – somewhere out there, there is love. Someone to share the crazy experiences with me. I have hope. I do believe.

Only time will tell.

I may be making a difference in people’s life right now, one day somewhere, someone will make a difference in mine.

I am in my element

I have always used the phrase “To be in your element” so easily. Never taking into account the words at play. Sitting here by the ocean this phrase has suddenly gotten new meaning for me.

What is your element?

Earth. Fire. Wind. Water. 

I have never been an over religious person.  Yes, I grew up in a Christian based family, but I could never come to terms with a dogma that is build upon selective acceptance. The values however has become and integral part of my life.

I am a Pisces at heart. 

Just like the ocean is ever flowing, ever changing, so is my heart. so is my personality. Always torn between two worlds. 

Dreams vs reality. Stability vs creativity. The concrete vs the abstract. Life vs death. Absolute happiness vs drowning depression.

There is water in my soul.

I have always opened up my soul and mind more when I’m in the water. In the ocean. Flowing free. Being. And the concept if it has never been quite understood so well until I read the paragraph in “The memoirs of a Geisha”:

“Waiting patients doesn’t suit you. I can see you have a great deal of water in your personality. Water mever waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and find the secret paths no one else has thought about – the tiny hole through the roof is the bottom if a box. There’s no doubt it’s the most versatile of the elements. It can wash away earth; it can put out fire; it can wear a piece of metal down and sweep it away. Even wood, which is its natural compliment, can’t survive without being nurtured by water. And yet, you haven’t drawn on those strengths in living your life, have you?”

I am the water that finds the path but need to be able to flow to find my path.

“Watch for the thing that will show itself to you. Because that thing, when you find it, will become your future.”

As Pisces are said to be the oldest of the Zodiac. the knowledge and spiritual connections will guide you. 

Open yourself up and let the water guide you.

I am alive.

I am in my element.

Alone – but still hopeful

What is it like being alone

I have been single my whole life. And it has never been an issue. And then i went into a relationship. And as I sit here it is not about missing the relationship. It is about missing the companionship.

I have always said – at any point in your life you need two good friends – one male, one female. Because there are some things that you can talk to a woman about and some things that you can talk to a man about. No offense to the other one. And after being in such a long relationship, one starts to wonder if there is still the perfect relationship out there.

Call me a romantic. I want to believe in love. I want to believe that somewhere out there is the perfect guy for me.

I hope he exists

An open letter to my ex-boyfriend

I started writing a blog yesterday. Thinking back on my life the last couple of months. And I deleted it. I have been going through this internal struggle the last couple of weeks.

It all started the 15th of August. That night I will never forget for the rest of my life. I have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years. For some people that might not me long, but for me that is an accomplishment in itself. Longest relationship I’ve had surpassing the 6 weeks one when I was 21. Because I am not a person that can be put in a box. There is just too much of me. And I tried to make this one work. Be who you wanted me to be.

Don’t sit like this – Are you trying to pick someone up. Don’t sit like that – It is too gay. And all the accusations of the affairs I’ve had. Shit I wish my sex life was as interesting as you thought.

But that night. That night when you accused me once again of being unfaithful. The night you smash my face in with your fist. That night that I had to come back afterwards to go and clean up all the blood from the decor we hired for the work function to wash and clean it up because I was so ashamed of what happened. That night I knew it was over.

So here I am, 7 weeks after the fact. And I haven’t seen you once. And except for all the rumours I hear about how sorry you are, and afterwards (as I suspected) hearing all the things I did to you to make you do it, I still think back on that day. And yes, I have been going through all the stages of change : Anger, Denial, Depression…..but I haven’t gotten to acceptence until today.

Today I realised something

Yesterday I heard a quote on the radio – “Forgive someone. Not for them, but for you.” And that got me thinking about forgiving you. But today, I realised, I have forgiven you. Forgiven you for that evening. Forgiven you for how you made me feel so worthless all these years. My problem isn’t forgiving you. My problem is forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for giving so much of myself to you. Forgiving myself to change the way I am to make you happy. Forgiving myself to accept all the emotional abuse from you because I loved you and I thought that you would eventually see and accept the person I am. Forgiving myself for giving 3 and a half years of my precious life to you.

So here I am. I may be single. I may be a bit lonely sometimes. But I am free. And I am trying to get all my shit back together to live the life I envisioned for myself.

And maybe. Hopefully. I will find the person that will share my vision of life with me. Because everybody deserves the best. And with that – I hope you find the person that shares your dreams. Because I couldn’t fulfill them.

I am my own man