I am in my element

I have always used the phrase “To be in your element” so easily. Never taking into account the words at play. Sitting here by the ocean this phrase has suddenly gotten new meaning for me.

What is your element?

Earth. Fire. Wind. Water. 

I have never been an over religious person.  Yes, I grew up in a Christian based family, but I could never come to terms with a dogma that is build upon selective acceptance. The values however has become and integral part of my life.

I am a Pisces at heart. 

Just like the ocean is ever flowing, ever changing, so is my heart. so is my personality. Always torn between two worlds. 

Dreams vs reality. Stability vs creativity. The concrete vs the abstract. Life vs death. Absolute happiness vs drowning depression.

There is water in my soul.

I have always opened up my soul and mind more when I’m in the water. In the ocean. Flowing free. Being. And the concept if it has never been quite understood so well until I read the paragraph in “The memoirs of a Geisha”:

“Waiting patients doesn’t suit you. I can see you have a great deal of water in your personality. Water mever waits. It changes shape and flows around things, and find the secret paths no one else has thought about – the tiny hole through the roof is the bottom if a box. There’s no doubt it’s the most versatile of the elements. It can wash away earth; it can put out fire; it can wear a piece of metal down and sweep it away. Even wood, which is its natural compliment, can’t survive without being nurtured by water. And yet, you haven’t drawn on those strengths in living your life, have you?”

I am the water that finds the path but need to be able to flow to find my path.

“Watch for the thing that will show itself to you. Because that thing, when you find it, will become your future.”

As Pisces are said to be the oldest of the Zodiac. the knowledge and spiritual connections will guide you. 

Open yourself up and let the water guide you.

I am alive.

I am in my element.

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Alone – but still hopeful

What is it like being alone

I have been single my whole life. And it has never been an issue. And then i went into a relationship. And as I sit here it is not about missing the relationship. It is about missing the companionship.

I have always said – at any point in your life you need two good friends – one male, one female. Because there are some things that you can talk to a woman about and some things that you can talk to a man about. No offense to the other one. And after being in such a long relationship, one starts to wonder if there is still the perfect relationship out there.

Call me a romantic. I want to believe in love. I want to believe that somewhere out there is the perfect guy for me.

I hope he exists

An open letter to my ex-boyfriend

I started writing a blog yesterday. Thinking back on my life the last couple of months. And I deleted it. I have been going through this internal struggle the last couple of weeks.

It all started the 15th of August. That night I will never forget for the rest of my life. I have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years. For some people that might not me long, but for me that is an accomplishment in itself. Longest relationship I’ve had surpassing the 6 weeks one when I was 21. Because I am not a person that can be put in a box. There is just too much of me. And I tried to make this one work. Be who you wanted me to be.

Don’t sit like this – Are you trying to pick someone up. Don’t sit like that – It is too gay. And all the accusations of the affairs I’ve had. Shit I wish my sex life was as interesting as you thought.

But that night. That night when you accused me once again of being unfaithful. The night you smash my face in with your fist. That night that I had to come back afterwards to go and clean up all the blood from the decor we hired for the work function to wash and clean it up because I was so ashamed of what happened. That night I knew it was over.

So here I am, 7 weeks after the fact. And I haven’t seen you once. And except for all the rumours I hear about how sorry you are, and afterwards (as I suspected) hearing all the things I did to you to make you do it, I still think back on that day. And yes, I have been going through all the stages of change : Anger, Denial, Depression…..but I haven’t gotten to acceptence until today.

Today I realised something

Yesterday I heard a quote on the radio – “Forgive someone. Not for them, but for you.” And that got me thinking about forgiving you. But today, I realised, I have forgiven you. Forgiven you for that evening. Forgiven you for how you made me feel so worthless all these years. My problem isn’t forgiving you. My problem is forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for giving so much of myself to you. Forgiving myself to change the way I am to make you happy. Forgiving myself to accept all the emotional abuse from you because I loved you and I thought that you would eventually see and accept the person I am. Forgiving myself for giving 3 and a half years of my precious life to you.

So here I am. I may be single. I may be a bit lonely sometimes. But I am free. And I am trying to get all my shit back together to live the life I envisioned for myself.

And maybe. Hopefully. I will find the person that will share my vision of life with me. Because everybody deserves the best. And with that – I hope you find the person that shares your dreams. Because I couldn’t fulfill them.

I am my own man

Fight song

So let’s be frank tonight. I am scared. Actually I am scared shitless. Why??

Well let me start from the top. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for an odd 3.5 years. Yes I guess it’s not a lot when compares to couples married for 50 years but it is a stretch for me. I am not a person who talks about my emotions. I’ve learned how to hide them away very well.be there for someone.  Who they need.

But I like people. To get involved in things. So I started producing a a melodrama for the staff of the school I work for. And that created enough problems in our relationship. I’m not there enough for him – according to him. So for the last 2 weeks he has been ignoring me. But as Murphy has it he pitches up at the last show. And as everyone left and I am locking up the hall, he accuses me of having affairs. Leading to him losing it and hitting the living shit out of me so that I had to go in the next day to clean up all the blood at the venue. It’s my  workplace for fuck sakes.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to see the fucking poes ever in my life again. And as we are living in separate houses still he has a lot of shit in mine. So its all going back to him tomorrow. Organised the car and trailer. But I am scared. Shit scared that for some or rather radon he might pitch up there when I dump his stuff.

Maybe I just feel alone. Wish that I could speak to someone tonight that will tell me that everything will be okay.

Tonight is my fight song

I will not give up.

I will see it through.

I will be okay.

Life and meaning

Sometimes I wish I can speak to someone. Someone who knows me. Someone that understands this complex mind.

No I’m not okay. Does that answer half of the peoples’ question. Why would I talk to you? Yes I can talk to random people. People that don’t know me. Because then I can’t give a shit about what I say. But I don’t talk to people I know. That is my protective meganism. Hiding my hurt, my pain, my anger behind all these walls of ‘ I am fine’. I’ll get through it. One day at a time. Right??

Yes. Maybe I am too sinical. Maybe I am too shut off. Well maybe I am too realistic to live in this fairy world of everything works out for the best. I know it doesn’t. Life is hard. Life is shit. You have to deal with it. Right now I don’t have energy for that.

Take my ‘boyfriend’ for that matter. Whenever I pull away I am the best thing that ever happened to him. Then he wants me. But in the relationship I feel like shit. The one that always wrongs. The one that fucks around. And I am the one that is insecure. God help me. If he ever listens to me.

Yes I am alone. I isolate myself when things go wrong. No I don’t want to talk to people. I put up my mask at work and be who I need to be. But I am alone.  And you know what, I prefer that than all the constant fighting about who I need to be to impress people. To make them happy. While I sit here not being able to talk about myself.

Maybe it’s my own fault. Maybe there is someone like me out there.

I can only wish.

Alone

What is to be said that isn’t painfully obvious

Who can understand the thoughts that isn’t said

I am a closed book

Protecting every last bit of emotion that I still have

Still feel

I’m lost

Floating

Drifting

Empty

I want to scream for help

I want to be heard

But who can I trust

Who won’t try to break these walls that I have build up over the years

I am alone

May Month Part 1

So May has started, and I started with a bang, tackling all the things that I felt pulled me down, or started to become a crutch in my life. Something I cannot live without. My cigarettes keeping me calm throughout the day. My coffee to wake me up and to keep me awake during the day till I can have my glass of wine in the evening just to chill, leading to a bottle or more an evening. It is this circle I needed to get out of.

So I changed my routines. As much as possible. Started drinking tea (which I despise), running around with a bottle of water sucking it constantly – everytime I crave a cigarette. Leading to me drinking about 3 litres of water a day. And I started jogging/gyming again – the only other way I know to get rid of frustation. And it helps.

But in all the “positive struggling” if I can call it that lies so many unanswered questions. Issues. And I am trying to figure out so many of mine. Trying not to see the fault in other people but in both of us – Hey, every story does have 3 sides, your’s, mine and the truth

When people are involved there are always so many questions. Things we are always unsure of.Because there are always the issue of compatibility. I have been following this blog – “A gay in the life of…” – really good. A blog that makes me think so many times about life. As the blogger is going through his issues and days with Cutie, so I sit and understand the emotion that goes with it.

What makes people compatible? Love? Yes, love is a major factor – but one thing I realised, “Love is never enough”. I am currently in a ‘relationship’, if you can call it that. It’s convenient, I guess. And it’s not that we don’t love one another. It is that we absolutely don’t see eye to eye about anything. And frustration creeps up slowly but surely. And like that we have had a fallout last week Tuesday night. About friends of ours. Or in the fight it became ‘my’ friends. And tomorrow night it will be a week last that I saw him. Originally I thought I would gave him space to cool down as he was the one that started the whole discussion/fight. But in both our stubbornness, neither of us has made contact with the other. And even though it hurts me. I know on the long run, it is better for both of us. Yes, we do love one another. But we do not bring out the best in each other. We drain each other. And I would rather let him go that make him and me unhappy for the rest of our lives, just for the sake of not being alone – for love.

I wish I can sit down tonight and chat with someone about all my thoughts.

x