Closure

Sometimes life is such a whirlwind.

And sometimes you feel like your standing alone in a dessert with no oasis in sight other than the mirage of tempting water driving you to believe the image of something that was.

I’m writing this post not necessarily to be read but to say how I feel. To speak my mind on feelings left unsaid.

Let me get one thing straight. I’m not innocent. No one in a relationship is.

But I was done. I was done being used. Done being manipulated. Hurt. Fighting. Screaming. Done.

Yes, I’m the one that ended the relationship.

So I got this bracelet about 2 years ago, and it’s been lying in my house for ages. All but with the word on it – Contentment. What is it like to feel content? That has been my journey – leaning to love my own time again; being okay to just be with myself. And trust me, it’s hasn’t always been an easy road. I do miss companionship. I do miss love. I do miss not feeling alone.

But also not at the cost that I have paid over the last couple of years.

I am content.

And yes – I can tell you stories that will horify you about what I’ve endured. But I’m okay. And that is the way I would like to be.

Dawn

Do you know that feeling when the light starts lifting on a situation.

It’s almost like when the sun is rising again in you life and you start to see things with more perspective and, for the love of you, you can’t understand that you didn’t see things the way they were before. And you start questioning your own judgement – how clouded was my way of thinking? How did I miss all the things that were done to me.

God I was blind so many times in my life.

But the irony of it all, I will probably do it all again. I’m not sorry for a thing that has happened in my life. I has made me the person that I am today. And for that I am not sorry. But I would like to think that I try to learn through every situation that I have experienced in my life.

I do believe that things happen for a reason. The details of what I am going through might be a script of its own later. Details of my supposed mishaps the last 6 years. But I do know that I am ready for the change.

What that will be I will leave to the cosmos.

Long lost love

At least once a day, I sit down and think – ” I should write a book about my life” – not because it might be that interesting read; maybe just because there are all these random things that happen the whole time in my life

So something that you may not know about me – I believe in synchronicity – what you put out in the universe reflects back on your life; life isn’t all planned out but things work out for a reason; happen for a reason; the way we learn and grow.

And I want to believe that life has a bit of a plan. Whom you meet, who you are.

So today something happened in my life again.

I met this guy 10 years ago. And as fate had it it didn’t work out as I was working for a period of time in this country that I didn’t have permanent leave to stay. And still to this day I would joke – If he ever asked me to move there and marry him I probably would.

Ten years down the line we’ve kept in contact where we could but his husband didn’t like me talking to him.

Then (after I’ve officially been single again for 4 months after 6 years of trying to make it work) out of the blue he contacted me to find out how I am.

So we have a Skype date on Thursday. Yes, I still miss him. Synchronicity. I don’t know. But who knows where life will take me.

There is still a lot more I will tell you about this history.